Silence...
A lone leaf on a grey pavement. Rain with snow. Grey skies that get grimier as each second goes by. The wind interweaving my hair as if wanting to create a style surpassing any created before. & I reflect at that moment.
Jab dil main ek akelapann mehsoos hota hai aur khamoshi chaa jaati hai tab ek ajeeb sa darr lagne lagta hai. I feel apprehensive about my future, my ambitions, my life. I doubt what I am doing, who I am & what I do.
Calming my nerves with a cup of coffee, listening to music or talking to a friend has been a transient reprieve but things haven’t gotten any better. Vo baas ek khwab hai jo main humesha dekhti rehti hu. Friends tell me things will be okay and will sort themselves out but they don’t and haven’t. Never have been. I fight back so hard to try and make everything seem tolerable: just so that the people I love so much can live one more day without a feeling of worry and concern. I don’t want to cause anybody pain, especially not them. Main bas unke liye khushi chahti hu. Unke chehre pe sirf ek hasi chahti hu.
But then I want to go places in life. Be something. Par zindagi itni khamosh aur sehmi si ho gayi hai ki sirf dhuaa reh gaya hai. Na mujhe koi sawaal aate hai, na koi jawaab milte hai.
--I don’t even know where to draw the line. On one side, I am the ambitious, driven girl who wants to rise above universal “I-do-not-want-to-care” attitude and be a humanitarian doctor and on the other I struggle to hold on to the happiness of the people I love and not cause them hurt. The daily conflicts that I go through are not painless and neither are they easy. I make compromises every minute, everyday.
~I never found the same lone leaf on the grey pavement, or the rain with snow again.
Zindagi meri kismat mein jaane kya le ke aane wali hai, na mein jaana chahti hu, na usse khojna chahti hu.
Song for the moment: Tu Kaun Hai by Lucky Ali
Jab dil main ek akelapann mehsoos hota hai aur khamoshi chaa jaati hai tab ek ajeeb sa darr lagne lagta hai. I feel apprehensive about my future, my ambitions, my life. I doubt what I am doing, who I am & what I do.
Calming my nerves with a cup of coffee, listening to music or talking to a friend has been a transient reprieve but things haven’t gotten any better. Vo baas ek khwab hai jo main humesha dekhti rehti hu. Friends tell me things will be okay and will sort themselves out but they don’t and haven’t. Never have been. I fight back so hard to try and make everything seem tolerable: just so that the people I love so much can live one more day without a feeling of worry and concern. I don’t want to cause anybody pain, especially not them. Main bas unke liye khushi chahti hu. Unke chehre pe sirf ek hasi chahti hu.
But then I want to go places in life. Be something. Par zindagi itni khamosh aur sehmi si ho gayi hai ki sirf dhuaa reh gaya hai. Na mujhe koi sawaal aate hai, na koi jawaab milte hai.
--I don’t even know where to draw the line. On one side, I am the ambitious, driven girl who wants to rise above universal “I-do-not-want-to-care” attitude and be a humanitarian doctor and on the other I struggle to hold on to the happiness of the people I love and not cause them hurt. The daily conflicts that I go through are not painless and neither are they easy. I make compromises every minute, everyday.
~I never found the same lone leaf on the grey pavement, or the rain with snow again.
Zindagi meri kismat mein jaane kya le ke aane wali hai, na mein jaana chahti hu, na usse khojna chahti hu.
Song for the moment: Tu Kaun Hai by Lucky Ali
8 Comments:
Excellent! I loved it!
I'll comment again after reading it again. It needs more time than what I could spend now.
btw, talk to me when u r sad :-)
10:55 AM
umm....I guess I should say "thank you" for appreciating my "not so evangelic" and "somewhat anarchist" posts in My Journal, but hey I like being straight forward because logic says "The shortest distance between two points is a straight line"....thus my posts took their deformation.
My cousin is in Urbana-Champaign, Illinois too. He's a grad of BUET (Bangladesh Univ of Engineering and Tech) and doing his PhD there, goes by the name Raghib Hasan (rana)..not famous in USA yet, but might be in the near future.
BTW, about your blog post though... silence describes an ailment in psychology where man seeks redemption from the noisy ambience through solitude. Although solitude does appear appealing to me but without angst,hatred and reclusion from sanity, such silence would become a faulty tangent as well. Depression is amphomordic and is generated from the fear of it..but as long as quotes like these exist, its should not be taken seriously:
" Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear."
-- Mark Twain
And who can forget-
"Its through crimson that we projected our first step in this world, and by god no shades of gray would overcast my in my demise"-- Kazi Nazrul Islam (BD's national poet, forgotten, mortified and being taken advantage of)
8:37 AM
Thanks NiH & Indrajit!
10:52 AM
hi surabhi...
http://siddhant.blogcity.com here...
what i feel reading this post of yours is...life running by at a great pace, with everything getting hard to manage... well, even i am facing something of the sort...but i usually calm myself down by saying... "at the top, there is room for only one! It is lonely over there, and therefore just keep working if you need to be there, without thinking about others"
this small prayer helps a great deal :)
1:10 PM
Hi Siddhant(Dhruv),
Thanks for your comment.
There are so many things in life that you desperately want to achieve and where you want your mind to rule your heart & soul. But some people(like me!)--are not made for this kind of thing I guess. The people I love matter more to me than anything else(I wish somehow it was different),and that things would change. But they don't! =)
9:10 AM
Yeah, I had to re-read it. I like it so much. It's very near me. You penned down some of my feelings for me :-)
9:41 PM
hi surabhi
i am a new to this blogger thing i dont know much about this but i must say i loved ur thoughts as it reminds me someone very near to me and that some one is praveen khanna(me).
so i ll be very gratefull to u if u can mail me at pravk_v1@yahoo.com
as i love to make special frnds like u hoping for a positive response from u
bye
6:13 AM
Hi Praveen,
Thanks for commenting!
Keep visiting!
6:29 AM
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